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We were taught that you should be ashamed of your anger, feel guilty about it, and repent of it. We have a feeling that anger is a crime.
Therefore, when raising children, we try to be patient. After all, the myth of the "ideal parent" assumes "unusually calm" mom or dad. Unfortunately, this vision is impossible to implement, which always ends the same way, when we are not able to cope with our own emotions and frustration: not only associated with upbringing, but also fatigue, daily duties, problems at work: there is anger.
Why are we angry with children?
We have an advantage over a child and it is easier for us to unload anger on a smaller, defenseless person than on a partner, colleagues or boss. It is easier for us to say the words and do things that we are ashamed of later. When anger passes ... we apologize or try to compensate our child for our bad behavior. We are furious that we have failed again. We promise each other never again.
Until next time.
Do you suppress anger?
Psychologists have no doubt: suppressing anger is not a good way to deal with frustration. Ba is a very ineffective method, because it allows you to "fight emotions" only for a moment. It makes repressed feelings grow to such sizes that are difficult to control.
Suppressing anger is doomed to failure. In the end we will have to get rid of the ballast we have accumulated. The heavier it is, the harder it is.
We have the right to be angry
Anger is like a cold. This is a recurring problem that we have the right not to like, but we cannot ignore it. We turn a blind eye to him. Himself and our children.
Why? Because anger, despite the unsympathetic forms of expression, is a feeling that allows you to fight for your own needs, giving you energy to face the difficulties. It provides a warning signal.
Parent's anger: when does anger occur?
Anger usually appears in predictable situations, in sequences, yet you always get the impression that it comes suddenly, unexpectedly. It is short, although it seems to be endless at the moment.
Nothing else is important, and thoughts focus only on that one emotion. This is why we have the impression that we are losing our temper, that our common sense is missing. Hence, very close to shouting, insulting, saying things that we would not even suspect.
When anger evaporates, we feel guilty. We promise each other that we will never again, unfortunately until we lose control again. And again we attack our loved ones: people for whom we would do everything whose happiness is the most important for us.
I will never get angry again?
It makes no sense to promise yourself that you'll never be angry with your child. It's a hypocrisy of reality. In this way, we only add oil to the fire, we deceive ourselves. Instead of promising yourself that "we will be calm", it is worth developing strategies in which we are aware of our own emotions, we will methodically reduce tension before it accumulates and leads to an "hurricane", or outburst of anger.
Accepting your anger is also tolerating the thought that in those fractions of a second that are like eternity at a given moment, we honestly don't like or even hate your child. Allowing yourself to be honest makes it much easier to deal with unsympathetic emotions, and is not a threat to our love for the child. It also makes it easier to hear the words "I hate you" when we prohibit something that the child cares about, without fear that a few years old really stopped loving us.
Allowing you to feel your own anger even in the "maximum" option makes it easier to deal with the child's emotions in a theoretically unbearable version. It allows you to look at it from the side, without judging or denying it. To wait for them to pass.